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20-Feb-2015 23:19

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If I cry alone, am I like the tree falling in the forest? Tentative shoots reaching up through the soil Green, tender, cautious, unsure.

A Childhood Lost At the top of the stairs I Can't If you have a poem or anything else you have written to share with us, please email me. They say These clever scientist folks, That there is such a thing As learned helplessness; Cage a rat Subject it To repeated trauma Until it is so tired of fighting It will lie in the corner And take the pain Not leaving Even when the door is opened I know this to be true This has been me Cowering In the corner Begging With imploring eyes For you to shut the door And stop confronting me With impossible choices My body Is the landscape Over which You wish to roam Explore Discover New territory To claim for your own I am no longer an easy surrender Conquistador Adventurer Be tender In your approach And I may let you enjoy For too many Would-be conquerors If they cannot possess Will seek instead To destroy Every bruise you gave me Has become a battleshield Every scar you gave me Has regenerated Stronger skin You can't touch me now Every bone broken by you Has healed Every tear shed for you Has long since dried You can't reach me now I'm peaceful I've stopped the war You can't hurt me Any more There comes a time When you have to forget When nothing is left When things buried Have been brought to light Burned away And the ashes scattered To the winds There comes a time When nothing is left When all sounds Have faded away Even that Of goodbye I would love to say Part of me still cherishes you But it would be A lie. I have rights, and a voice, how loud must I be before I am heard This is all mixed up, not me, the system; crazy and disturbed Now it's you with that look again And I've got shame, isolation and even more pain Why are you putting me in a box? And if I cry alone, Then no-one will hear it, And if no-one hears it Does it make a sound?For Eighteen years as a tiny seed I was buffeted Swirling through the eddy of a tumultuous young early life No chance of settling anywhere No chance of tentatively putting out a root No chance of a tender green shoot At twenty I was scooped up Longing for roots to grow and shoots to appear ~ this was it I was excited, my life adventure awaited Soon I would know who I was What I was capable of becoming By twenty three I was in full bloom A fantastic family A beautiful house A wonderful lifestyle At forty I knew something was wrong These weren't my roots, neither my shoots It all began to feel very uncomfortable My shoots only blossomed when I behaved in a certain way No freedom to express ME ~ These shoots were carefully tied to an immoveable frame The blossom only appeared under the most controlled of circumstances Clipped and pruned to within an inch of my life One exquisite blossom a year These weren't my roots, neither my shoots At forty five I realized Me, the tiny seed, scooped up at twenty Put in a cold store to prevent true germination Carefully packaged to show the world a wonderful extension of someone else Packaged by a promotions expert So expertly done ~ all saw the blossom, none noticed the lack of perfume No one could see the seed in cold store ~ not even me And then I did I saw a tiny seed slowly dehydrating, dark and cold, life force slipping away And I made a decision I wanted to see what that seed would grow in to At forty seven the seed rattled and rattled in the packaging until the layers came loose The seed was free Vulnerable and new, the seed took stock In shock the seed stood still awhile And then it started to happen The seed began to grow The virgin shoot pushed and pushed at the tough outer shell until one day There before the world stood a brand new plant A plant with true roots, a firm stem and tender leaves unfurling Feeling the sun and the moon, the rain and the stars This is different This is so much better I may never make it to full bloom or be a prize specimen to be gasped over again And it's great This is real Who knows how I will grow, grow I will and it will be ME I turn to face the sun every day I rejoice in the adventure of life I grow into being all I'm capable of, the best that I can be This is real This is living Breathing, looking, feeling and walking Deciding, choosing, living and talking Just like a developing child; an adolescent learning Just like an endless beginning a genuine yearning Independent, supported or alone Beg, borrow, or maybe one day I'll even own There is definitely a light and it is calling me Close my eyes spread my wings and I will fly free No more shame, pretend, cheap smiles and lies No more ifs, buts, maybes or whys? Sitting the dark The TVs on No one speaks But the furry I feel inside my stomach lining is turning A bird with no sound many nights laying in bed, you beside me, a million thoughts 200% full of emotion and if I were to speak, I would then have to bare your revolt And I grow resentful inside of who I have become, paying too high a price for peace This trap, you rescued me, but then you wanted my soul So I holdback my talking, to make things okay, when they clearly are not But my wings are down and to fight with you would leave me exhausted the next day And I have to keep flying, AM report to work Take care of to others emotions and there are so many bricks on my shoulders to support So my silence was your enemy I realized I could never give you enough It was your fear of abandonment that made me leave And there is no fixing this There is only separate lives And I need to soar once again. You met me in the spring; my garden was just beginning to bloom.