Research dating before marriage
They were labeled “delayed-action” divorcers because they stayed married for at least seven years, long after the passion that led them to marry had dissipated.They have very long courtships and appeared to marry with the hope that it would “improve” the relationship, though they’re well aware that they have major problems.•Delayed-action divorces (“Hollywood Romance Group”) had highly romantic courtships, but their affection declined considerably over the first few years of marriage.(The average length of courtships in the study was two years, four months)…Speed can become a problem when it is driven by romance and fantasy because, unless one is extraordinarily lucky, the suitors discover that the partner was not as lovely as they had imagined.Long courtships, Huston argues, are rarely long because the partners are exercising due caution. Another reader – who was attempting to shoot down my assertion that you should ideally wait 2-3 years before getting engaged – sent me a link to a super-informative article.“The fact of a couple moving quickly toward marriage is not in and of itself a problem as much as what is driving the speed.
By the same token, if one party is really delaying marriage (going beyond 4 years), then it’s not a matter of being cautious, it’s a sign that he/she doesn’t really want to get married.Other useful takeaways: •Happily married couples shared many traits, including courtships that progressed smoothly toward marriage with little drama; their courtships had a quiet, romantic feeling, but as important, they sensed they were marrying someone who could be a good friend.I’ve been getting into it recently with some readers who have a slightly different take on when people should get engaged. One reader on my Facebook page wrote: “When a man’s in love he wants to propose as soon as he can.” Needless to say, I disagree with that. If you expect your marriage to be otherwise, you’ve got a big surprise waiting for you. There are MANY men who propose as soon as they can when they’re in love. In it, Professor Ted Huston studies 168 couples for ten years. “Researchers saw some typical changes that take place in all marriages during the first couple of years: fewer overt displays of affection; less sex; and fewer leisure activities together, as the relationship evolves from a romantic, recreational relationship to something like a working partnership.” This is all normal and predictable, says the married dating coach.
•Unhappily married couples had low-key courtships that moved forward slowly because either one or both of the partners lacked much warmth or had difficult personalities.
•Early exiters (what Huston calls “Country Music Romances”) divorced very quickly, within two to seven years of marrying.