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05-Nov-2015 00:30

"Take a few deep breaths, uncross your arms and sit close to him."9. It's one thing to get across your needs and desires, but you also have to listen to where coming from.The most common sex issue faced by otherwise happily married couples? Couples often end up bemused and confused by a marriage that's dimmed in sexual intensity or frequency. "It's when we're at our most vulnerable." Plus, your bedroom, and certainly your bed, should be a sanctuary, not a place to air grievances. There is something to be said for spontaneity, but this may not be the time for it. The fact is, "Sexual issues in otherwise good marriages are often resolvable." But—and you knew this was coming, right?! Here are some pointers about discussing the subject with a less-than-talkative best time to examine faults or dissect performance, says Sharky.If a certain part of your body is, for whatever reason, no longer a go-to hot spot, say so—and tell him what feel good these days.6. "You don't have to be mean to get what you want," says Creager. So instead of saying, "You never give me enough foreplay," say, "I would like more touching and caressing time before we move to the main event."8. You may have the whole non-blaming thing going on in your words, but what about in your actions, your body language and your tone of voice?Start with "a mental state of acceptance." That means presupposing that your man takes your best interests (and your pleasure! So instead of saying, "We need to talk about the dismal state of our sex life," say, "I know you want me to feel good, and I want you to enjoy sex, too, so I want to talk about how we can make it better. "All these things communicate your feelings, too," says Creager, so be sure you're relaxed and ready to speak without letting anger or frustration get in the way.You could say, "Remember when we used to spend hours just kissing?I miss that." Or, "I loved when you used to just grab me from behind; it made me feel so wanted."4.

Think of it as updating a map as new roads—or roadblocks—are put in.5. If you're not sure what floats your boat, there's no way you'll be able to communicate it to your partner, says Creager.

If you used to just jump into bed and get right to it, but now would feel more comfortable with a long make-out session on the couch first, tell him that. Angle the conversation so it's about "You're telling him, 'This is not about what you're doing wrong, but about what I want,' " says Creager.

But what's actually more common, says Los Angeles–based therapist Todd Creager, author of to be a surefire pleasure-inducer no longer works, thanks to a changing body (like after having kids) or just shifting preferences as you get older.

If you don't tell him what works (and doesn't work anymore), how will he know?

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Instead, choose a pleasant but neutral place, such as a restaurant that's romantic enough to be relaxing (and noisy enough for a reasonable amount of privacy! "If you blindside your husband, you're more likely to make him defensive," says Sharky.Give him a heads-up that you want to chat, so you both have time to think about what you want to say.3. Sometimes a shared sense of nostalgia for what the two of you used to do can be enough to lead you down the path of talking about sex openly, says Sharky.



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