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Then they can write memoirs and recruit more bros from So Cal. The highest-security level SCIF in the Pentagon basement houses a version of Shakespeare’s Troilus and Cressida that was discovered to contain a highly potent Killing Word which was responsible for the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami.

JFK may have been shot accidentally by the chief of the Portland Police Bureau. Benedict Arnold sold out the Colonials for a Klondike Bar. SEALs spend 22 weeks after BUD/S learning how to read. If you’re GS-15 or higher, laws literally do not apply to you.

FBI Director James Comey said on Tuesday that Hillary Clinton was “extremely careless” with classified information being sent over her private email server, but he said no charges should be filed.

So we’re just going to release a bunch of classified information right here, because really, who even gives a shit anymore? Your favorite interpreter lost his visa paperwork because Stephanie at the State Department is a pill head.

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Do D urinalysis tests are no longer calibrated to detect cocaine. Jet fuel does melt steel beams, but they also used missiles. The SHARP program started out as a joke, but kind of got away from everybody.

Princess Diana was assassinated because she was selling secrets to the Chinese. After the aliens crashed in Roswell, the government quickly and quietly put them all on planes headed to Saudi Arabia.

He could have finished off Xena and Hercules; he loved as viscerally as anyone on Melrose Place--and his skirts were shorter than Heather Locklear's.

He is Tarzan, ape-reared jungle king, the subject of more than 90 books, 40 movies and three TV series.

Bill Buckner was a CIA plant and the ’86 World Series was a government fix. LBJ killed JFK after a game of monopoly went all to shit. Mattis has Chesty Puller’s preserved brain, with which he shares a psionic bond.

Donald Trump has had .1m in plastic surgery and is ethnically Mexican. The VA figured out in 2002 that suicides are cheaper than pensions. President Obama authorized GI benefits for Gitmo detainees.